Love is for dummies

"I am someone looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." - Carrie Bradshaw


What an awesome quote.....right?  Is it strange that as much as I personally agree with that quote, I believe that it's unattainable.  Ok, maybe I'm a pessimist but come on....how many people do you know lie, cheat, and are miserable being married?  Sadly, I know WAY too many. 


There is always drama, forceful compromising, and a struggle to keep a relationship together.  I've come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as love.  I'm not talking about love shared between family.  I'm talking about "true love".  The type where you want to marry that person and live "happily ever after".  Honestly, I think it is nothing but an agreeable common attachment between two people, and when the attachment starts to wear off, they go looking for another one.  


The older I get, the less I believe in the idea of love.  Someone once told me that I need to meet the right guy. I laughed at them.  Maybe what I need is someone to show me love is real, because until now, no one has been able to do that.  Even my friends that are in relationships all deal with so much bullshit.  Why would I want to put myself into that situation?  I'd rather be happy alone than in constant need of someone else.  I want to make myself happy, not spend my life depressed and crossing my fingers that one day some prince will swoop in a make my life complete.  Come on, what is this, a Disney movie?  NOPE!


I'm sorry if you're reading this thinking, "Poor girl," or, "She has no idea what she's talking about.  Me and my significant other are perfect and happy," and just getting angry at me.  But, you can not accuse me of not having just cause to feeling the way I do.  


So overall, am I looking for love? No.  If it wants to find me, it knows where I am.  Would I like love? I guess.  Am I going to kill myself if I don't find it? No.  


Believing is seeing....so until I see it, it's nothing but a myth, folklore....a unicorn.

Treat or Treat!!

So, being that I'm 26, I don't plan on Trick or Treating by myself.  That is what my 5 year old niece is for.  Tonight I'll be taking her around, and then plan on eating most of her candy considering my sister, her mom, doesn't let her eat like any of her candy lol.  Yup, I'm such a wonderful Auntie.

I do wish that I was little again though.  I miss Trick or Treating.  Halloween was easily my favorite holiday.  I loved dressing up and always went all out.  Hell, I still love to, but refrain from due to my age lol.  Maybe tonight I'll do something cute and subtle.  I have a pair of bunny ears from a costume a few years ago.  I could use them with a white hoodie and some eyeliner made whiskers lol.  Yes, I've made up my mind....tonight I will dress up as a 26 year old Aunt Bunny.

I have a new mission

Ever seen the movie Whip It?  If not, see it, it's a cute movie.  But that's not why I'm posting...

This is a scene from the movie.  Notice anything awesome in this picture????  If you're blind, look behind and around the two actors.  See it now?  Look at all those records!  This picture is my new mission.  I want that.  Sure, I could just buy the CDs or download it offline and put it on my ipod, but where is the fun in that?  I want to hear old music the way it is supposed to be heard.  Scratchy, raw, and in its true form...not like the new remastered versions you can buy.  I want to close my eyes and her Jimi Hendrix how they heard him while he was still alive.  Come on, how cool would that be?  

Step 1: find a record player

HAHA....shit I have a long way to go!

I fell in love with a website

So over the past month I stumbled upon a website called 8Tracks.  I've never been more in love with a website. It's kinda like Pandora or IHeartRadio but it's play lists made by other users.  You're able to follow other users and listen to their play lists.  There is literally a mix for any mood your in or any type of music you're into.

This past month I've been listening to a lot of music and I have become an avid believer that music can help anything.  Don't get me wrong, I've always loved music...all kinds.  But lately, I've found it therapeutic.  Over the past few weeks I've found a new love for folk/pop/indie music.  I've been hitting repeat to songs by Missy Higgins, Adele, Kate Nash, Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles, Brandi Carlile, and Tori Amos (I've always loved Tori though lol).  Something about the way they sing, or write their music....it feels more real.  It's not mainstream and hasn't been written by some song writer that just gets paid for banging out cheesy songs in hope for a #1 on the radio charts.

God, I wish I could sing.  I've been told I can...but honestly, I don't come remotely close to the talent some people have.  Hmm...if I could sing like anyone.....it would be a toss up of Eva Cassidy, Carrie Underwood, Zooey Deschanel, and Adele.  All soft, yet powerful voices.

I've deeply always wanted to walk in a bar, get on a mic and just wow a group of randoms.  Just a bar, somewhere random, where there are old men in cowboy hats.  Walk in wearing jeans, a tee shirt, and heels....maybe whip out a good Roy Orbison song.  Ya, that would be fun. But you have to have talent to do that.  My next life hopefully.

Feeling alive again....

So I have not blogged since the 11th, and before that since Sept. 30th....the day my friend passed.  I just needed to take some time to find myself again. Waking up every day has hurt.  I find myself doing something, even the smallest things like eating, and think to myself that he can't do this anymore.  Laughing feels good until I remember that I can't laugh with him anymore.  Smiling would only mask my emotions and excusing myself to go to the bathroom was to only wipe tears from my eyes.

I had become tired of being sad....so tired that I didn't know how to be happy either.

Then last week, I got very sick...some kind of flu with all the fixings....fever of 103.2, headache, body ache.  It was the worst flu I've seriously ever had in my life which resulted in me having to sleep on living room floor because my bed just did not feel comfortable.  I laid on the floor all night, crying from feeling so sick, and being in so much pain.  I found myself asking him to come get me and to take me back with him.

The next morning, I woke up, without a fever, and a much clearer mind than I have had since Sept. 30th.  He didn't come get me cause it wasn't my time.  It will be one day, but until then I had to stop being so sad all the time.  He doesn't want me with him yet because he wants me here, happy.  He wants me to laugh, have fun, and live.  I shouldn't feel guilty about getting to do those things when he can't, because he gets to do them through me and everyone else who is still here.  I can't rush life.

So, on that note, I've found my happiness....my closure....my reasoning to why I just cannot be upset anymore.  It's hard to always be happy but now I can do try to feel happy without feeling guilty.  And since last week, I've noticed that I've been smiling much, much more.

Taking some personal time

So I haven't blogged in a week....not since my last post about my friend that passed away, have I felt inspired.  It sounds awful, but I just haven't had the heart to write.  Is that normal?  My whole life I've been kind of a writer and I've never just wanted to avoid it like I do now.

Maybe my thoughts are just so exhausting from all of the events from the past week and a half, that rather than write, I'm trying to just turn off my brain.

So until I can settle my mind, thoughts, and emotions....I will search for happiness....hopefully I find it soon.

Travis

I know it is part of life...I know that death is part of the whole "circle of life" thing but no matter what the circumstances, a death is always sad.  As I grew up, older members of my family passed away.  Never from anything tragic...mostly due to old age.  When I was 18 years old, one of my friends from high school was killed in a car accident...he was only 16.  When I was 21, a coach that I had been working with lost her battle to stomach cancer...she was only 37.

But nothing prepared me for Friday night.

I was out with my best friend and her boyfriend in the city.  I received a call at midnight that shattered part of my world and my heart.  One of my very close friends from college that I actually used to date had been found dead in his apartment only hours early in the night. Until that moment, I never knew what it felt like to have the world stop.  I'm not going to sit here and write a long post about how awful the past few days have been because I refuse to dwell on the bad. So for the first time since Friday I'm trying to collect my thoughts and reminisce about what I loved about him so much.

I'll miss his contagious laugh....it was deep with a hint of cackle but not in a scary witch way.  I'll miss his blue eyes that any girl would swoon over....I know I did all the time.  I'll miss the way we used to lock eyes from across a room and just know what the other was thinking....kind of like what you see in the movies.  I'll miss his quick witty jokes that used to come out of left field.  I'll miss the late night chats we used to have and how  in the car we never had to turn on the radio because we could talk about anything.  I'll miss him ranting and raving over my mom's cooking...especially his love for Frito Pie.  I'll miss his randomness and spur of the moment attitude.  And although it's been a year since he and I dated, I'll miss the private moments we had with each other not because I wanted to date him again, but because there is no way we will ever have the chance again .  I'll miss his kiss and the way he used to twirl my hair with his fingers at night.  I'll even miss how he used to kick his legs at night so much that he'd wake me up and how we used to sleep in those damn twin beds in our dorm rooms.  If you've never had to sleep two in a twin bed, consider yourself lucky lol.

I just keep thinking this isn't real...that I can just call him, Facebook him or tell him that its his turn on Words With Friends.  But then I remember that he's not here anymore and he'll never be back.  I believe in some kind of after world/heaven and spirits who are able to come back and visit. So I'll wait for him to show up...somehow, someway....cause that's just him.  He'd never miss out on a good party.