So I have not blogged since the 11th, and before that since Sept. 30th....the day my friend passed. I just needed to take some time to find myself again. Waking up every day has hurt. I find myself doing something, even the smallest things like eating, and think to myself that he can't do this anymore. Laughing feels good until I remember that I can't laugh with him anymore. Smiling would only mask my emotions and excusing myself to go to the bathroom was to only wipe tears from my eyes.
I had become tired of being sad....so tired that I didn't know how to be happy either.
Then last week, I got very sick...some kind of flu with all the fixings....fever of 103.2, headache, body ache. It was the worst flu I've seriously ever had in my life which resulted in me having to sleep on living room floor because my bed just did not feel comfortable. I laid on the floor all night, crying from feeling so sick, and being in so much pain. I found myself asking him to come get me and to take me back with him.
The next morning, I woke up, without a fever, and a much clearer mind than I have had since Sept. 30th. He didn't come get me cause it wasn't my time. It will be one day, but until then I had to stop being so sad all the time. He doesn't want me with him yet because he wants me here, happy. He wants me to laugh, have fun, and live. I shouldn't feel guilty about getting to do those things when he can't, because he gets to do them through me and everyone else who is still here. I can't rush life.
So, on that note, I've found my happiness....my closure....my reasoning to why I just cannot be upset anymore. It's hard to always be happy but now I can do try to feel happy without feeling guilty. And since last week, I've noticed that I've been smiling much, much more.