Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
This past month I've been listening to a lot of music and I have become an avid believer that music can help anything. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved music...all kinds. But lately, I've found it therapeutic. Over the past few weeks I've found a new love for folk/pop/indie music. I've been hitting repeat to songs by Missy Higgins, Adele, Kate Nash, Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles, Brandi Carlile, and Tori Amos (I've always loved Tori though lol). Something about the way they sing, or write their music....it feels more real. It's not mainstream and hasn't been written by some song writer that just gets paid for banging out cheesy songs in hope for a #1 on the radio charts.
God, I wish I could sing. I've been told I can...but honestly, I don't come remotely close to the talent some people have. Hmm...if I could sing like anyone.....it would be a toss up of Eva Cassidy, Carrie Underwood, Zooey Deschanel, and Adele. All soft, yet powerful voices.
I've deeply always wanted to walk in a bar, get on a mic and just wow a group of randoms. Just a bar, somewhere random, where there are old men in cowboy hats. Walk in wearing jeans, a tee shirt, and heels....maybe whip out a good Roy Orbison song. Ya, that would be fun. But you have to have talent to do that. My next life hopefully.
Monday, October 24, 2011
I had become tired of being sad....so tired that I didn't know how to be happy either.
Then last week, I got very sick...some kind of flu with all the fixings....fever of 103.2, headache, body ache. It was the worst flu I've seriously ever had in my life which resulted in me having to sleep on living room floor because my bed just did not feel comfortable. I laid on the floor all night, crying from feeling so sick, and being in so much pain. I found myself asking him to come get me and to take me back with him.
The next morning, I woke up, without a fever, and a much clearer mind than I have had since Sept. 30th. He didn't come get me cause it wasn't my time. It will be one day, but until then I had to stop being so sad all the time. He doesn't want me with him yet because he wants me here, happy. He wants me to laugh, have fun, and live. I shouldn't feel guilty about getting to do those things when he can't, because he gets to do them through me and everyone else who is still here. I can't rush life.
So, on that note, I've found my happiness....my closure....my reasoning to why I just cannot be upset anymore. It's hard to always be happy but now I can do try to feel happy without feeling guilty. And since last week, I've noticed that I've been smiling much, much more.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Maybe my thoughts are just so exhausting from all of the events from the past week and a half, that rather than write, I'm trying to just turn off my brain.
So until I can settle my mind, thoughts, and emotions....I will search for happiness....hopefully I find it soon.
Monday, October 3, 2011
I know it is part of life...I know that death is part of the whole "circle of life" thing but no matter what the circumstances, a death is always sad. As I grew up, older members of my family passed away. Never from anything tragic...mostly due to old age. When I was 18 years old, one of my friends from high school was killed in a car accident...he was only 16. When I was 21, a coach that I had been working with lost her battle to stomach cancer...she was only 37.
But nothing prepared me for Friday night.
I was out with my best friend and her boyfriend in the city. I received a call at midnight that shattered part of my world and my heart. One of my very close friends from college that I actually used to date had been found dead in his apartment only hours early in the night. Until that moment, I never knew what it felt like to have the world stop. I'm not going to sit here and write a long post about how awful the past few days have been because I refuse to dwell on the bad. So for the first time since Friday I'm trying to collect my thoughts and reminisce about what I loved about him so much.
I'll miss his contagious laugh....it was deep with a hint of cackle but not in a scary witch way. I'll miss his blue eyes that any girl would swoon over....I know I did all the time. I'll miss the way we used to lock eyes from across a room and just know what the other was thinking....kind of like what you see in the movies. I'll miss his quick witty jokes that used to come out of left field. I'll miss the late night chats we used to have and how in the car we never had to turn on the radio because we could talk about anything. I'll miss him ranting and raving over my mom's cooking...especially his love for Frito Pie. I'll miss his randomness and spur of the moment attitude. And although it's been a year since he and I dated, I'll miss the private moments we had with each other not because I wanted to date him again, but because there is no way we will ever have the chance again . I'll miss his kiss and the way he used to twirl my hair with his fingers at night. I'll even miss how he used to kick his legs at night so much that he'd wake me up and how we used to sleep in those damn twin beds in our dorm rooms. If you've never had to sleep two in a twin bed, consider yourself lucky lol.
I just keep thinking this isn't real...that I can just call him, Facebook him or tell him that its his turn on Words With Friends. But then I remember that he's not here anymore and he'll never be back. I believe in some kind of after world/heaven and spirits who are able to come back and visit. So I'll wait for him to show up...somehow, someway....cause that's just him. He'd never miss out on a good party.