Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I'll need a drink after this week!

From a scale of 1-10, my stress level is a 13.  My mind is in a million different places this week.

Have you ever felt torn between what you want to be and what people want you to be....and in the middle of all that, not know where you fit in?  Wow, that totally sounded like I was in high school.  But sadly, I feel like that.

My friends give me so much crap because I can't go on vacations with them, go out every night on benders at the bars (only to wake up hung over the next morning anyways), go to the casinos, or lately...even go to lunch.  I'm sorry if I can't spend all my money like some of them can.  I have $60,000 in student loans to pay off when most of them have 1/8 of that to pay back.  It's gotten so bad that one of my best friends from college asked me to not be a bridesmaid in her wedding because I mentioned how expensive the bridesmaids dresses were that she picked out.

On top of all this, or maybe because of this a little, I almost have no social life.  Like I said before, I'm happy with my life the way it is....but it's getting a bit lonely.  I work, coach, and sleep...and 9 times out of 10 I'm busy with one of those 3 things.  My friends have either moved away, had a baby, gotten married/engaged, or still act like they're 21 years old.  And then there's me....not wanting any of those things.  Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I love going out with them and seeing them but, I'm just always left with a bit of that feeling of, "I don't belong here anymore."  And I am the first to admit, I used to be way cooler....when I was in college and 21 years old.  I'm 26 now, I'm an's time to grow up and do adult things and be responsible.

I had a boyfriend at this time last year.  We were together for almost a year but, I broke up with him about 6 months ago because he would complain that I never wanted to do anything.  He used to complain that we never went out....funny thing with that was he made 3 times a year what I make.  Did I expect him to pay for me all the time?  No.  Would it have been nice once in a while to treat me to a night out instead of bitching at me when I couldn't go out because I couldn't afford it? Sure.  And here's the kicker...on top of that he said I worked too much. Ummm, anyone else see an issue with that?  He hated that I wasn't rich but didn't want me working all the time.  Ya.... defiantly broke up with him.  Sidebar: I haven't dated since....I'm happier being single.

My friends and family want me to be some successful business woman...with an office, a BMW, and lots of spending cash.  Reality is, I'm never going to be that and I'm ok with it.  Apparently they aren't though.  I will admit that yes, I am kinda broke but, I pay all my bills and student loans every month.  I just do not have much spending money.  I work 3rd shift full time as an auditor at a hotel and coach cheerleading during my days.   I don't go on vacations, shopping sprees, or drive a brand new car.   But guess what, I'm happy.  I have a job that I enjoy and it allows me to do something I love; coach.  It makes me so angry that I find myself apologizing for that to everyone I know.

Yes, I budget my money, save my change, never get enough sleep, have forgotten what it's like to buy a new pair of heels, work many hours, and have student loans that I won't pay off until I'm 40.  Money does make life easier but, on a day when it's warm out, my music is as high as it can go, and the windows are rolled down, my Chevy Cobalt sure feels as good as any BMW.


  1. You realize that you're a really good writer, right? Well, I bet if your friends and family read this post - they will come to a better understanding of you.
    Those closest to you are often the harshest critics, especially when you are changing and growing.
    Keep expressing yourself!

  2. I don't know you, but as a fellow RIer, I just want to invite you over for a glass of wine, girl!

    Although I have a husband and kids, I also have a lot of single friends, and I understand that feeling of "alone" and not exactly meeting what's expected of (all of us). It exists in all paths, it's universal.

    It can be exhausting....

  3. Yancey, thank you for the kind words! Also, I've never really thought of myself as a "writer". Thanks for the complement.

    Erica, thank you so much for the offer. I may take you up on that one day! Yes, it is exhausting.